Time to move!

So yeah. Not much of a blogger so let me nutshell the update. God is so awesome and just totally shut the John door God style. I kinda stopped responding to texts and next thing I know John moved away! Dude. its so awesome. talk about opening what no one can shut and shutting what no one can open! Things have been pretty cool. Gloria moved away. That was super lame, but now I'm moving away...poor Margot. =( i hope some where in Sacto i find friends like them. I am excited to be near my family. I am looking forward to building a friendship with my sister. I mean we obviously have had a relationship all our lives, but we have never really had much chance to build a Christ centered friendship on this side of my addiction. I am gonna be super bummed to leave Calvary Community. I think it will always be my church home. No matter how much I love my next church there is just something so special about all that has happened there in my life. I am so glad for this past season. I learned a lot. I guess it is time to get on the the next lessons. Speaking of such..Todd called. I haven't talked to him in a while. Kinda was avoiding him. After the history with him..I just didn't want to open that door. I had a few dreams about him.. like.. the phropheticish type. Where he was like surrounded by demons and God was showing me so that I would know to pray. so anyway i actually answered yesterday. He sounds different. I guess he would be. a year in recovery changes you a lot. Iknow when I was a year clean i was a complete catastrophe. 2 years.. not so much.. still a litte spazzy but not near as much. this month is his 2 year mark. I don't think I will ever be attracted to him again..but it's always good to try to leave things in peace. He asked me to dinner...that is a bit to umm...date for me. He would like me to go to church with him on sat night at shadow hills. Im thinking about it. I don't want to send him the wrong message. I don't know. The desire for a husband has left the building for now. I guess i feel like i have so many other things to focus on. I think the real reason I ever really wanted that was just like the whole john sitch.. it all comes down to i want a bible buddy...a single one. I have had Margot and Gloria.. but because they have families we never are able to spend time together except at work. The cool thing is my mom and my relationship is healing to the point I think she will probably fill that role for the next season and hopefully my sister too. I have a feeling I might be entering a season that involves casual dating as well, which is kinda weird. But i feel like God is trying to show me that the fact that I have never had any healthy experience with dating is part of my whole social panic disorder and needs to be faced...not hidden from. But it's weird thinking about dating with no desire for relationship..but I guess maybe thats the safest way to learn? Well anyway. I guess thats the low down for the time being. =)

STILL HERE!

WOW. so life has been life. things have been good. all went smooth with custody issue. Went on the youth camp thing... AWESOME! i am actually getting to start a like going deeper bible study with the youth that would like to.. im so excited!!! ok. but the John sitch got weird. we were hangin out one night and then not sure exactly how things got to this point... but john was giving me a massage (my neck is always jacked up) and then started kissing my neck. it turned into rather a make out session before i really knew what was happening. it was REALLY WEIRD. like i said John had kind of become like a brother. it was strange. long story kinda short.. im kinda taking a step back with him. i feel like God is telling me to shut that door. I had never thought it would ever be more than a a GREAT friendship. i never thought he was the least bit attracted to me. I dunno well anyway. It is kinda sad. i feel like i lost a good friend.. but i guess its better it happened now instead of later when it would have been an even bigger issue. I am trusting God is closing that door because he is opening a better one. but yeah.... weird.. like REALLY REALLY weird. I will totally miss that friendship. there is no one else i can text 24 hours a day with random scriptual reference or bible questions or random thoughts like i did with him.. well at least not yet. Ive noticed God usually gets me alone with him before he does something big though.. so im waiting to see... im hoping for a husband. >;^J*)

The Return of the BLOG strikes back..again..or something

Dude. so ive been super totally busy. Zeh'en (Josiah) has been back with me for like 5 months.. hes visiting cousins right now. Tomorrow is the finalization of Yo's termination of parental rights. Im so excited/nervous. I will feel better once it is all final. I believe that God has already shut what no one can open... but my flesh is still a little shaky. Yeah so God has been awesome. in response to my last posts...I totally fell in love with John for a bit. No surprise there since he is the first man other than my father who treated me the way i should be treated... but yeah.... no.... God has made him into one of my best friends.. but hes so totally like my brother now like.. noooo.. thinking of him that way is just almost creepy. but dude... hes SUCH A GREAT BIG BROTHER. and Zeh'en (Josiah) LOVES him. well as for other news. i have been called back to my old church. its so cool. God is doing so many awesome things there. there is an AWESOME new youth pastor and im getting involved with the youth group and all those weird lonely bad temptations.. well actually there was only one. His name is Todd.... and im SOOOO over that. And God is totally starting stuff in this youth group. heh. not like "starting stuff" like picking fights.. but like dude its the brink of revival and i receive that! its super swell! I am just so excited. OH and i had an opportunity to talk to a lady whose son is going though addiction and i get to talk to him and in the name of Jesus were gonna get his butt in teen challenge!!! im so excited to see what God does in his life. I LOVE IT!! his name is Sol (Pronounced Saul) im so stoked... hes totally gonna be Pol ( pronounced Paul) come next year. IM CLAIMIN IT! so yeah that is kinda whats u 4 now. sooooo. dude the carpet in the spot im laying has the intermittent aroma of urine. i really ought to get like a desk/chair/normal person computer set up.... or perhaps i could lay on a less urinated patch of carpet. hmm.

SWELL

Well! Everything is being super swell. SUPER! So yeah. I was totally struggling with the whole trying to avoid the bad relationship thing. But God has just really helped me change my mind set. THANK GOD FOR JOHN! I totally just cried on the phone to him for ever the other night and i feel a lot better. I keep dealing with being tempted to go out with people who are no good for me because im lonely. But John called me on it. The truth is i am going to keep being tested until i pass. That means not letting myself be shaken. I havent even gone out with any of the temptations for like a few weeks... but it is that desire to that bothers me. Because its like i can feel the war between my flesh and my spirit. It throws me off kilter. But i know that thats why God sent John to me. A lot of this is because i miss my son. That makes me feel like really lonely. So God sent me like a super swell like ultimate Big Brother. ITS TOTALLY COOL! I never had a big brother. I love having big sisters... but none of my family is in Vegas any more. So its kinda like God is building a family for me here. He gave me John.... which is cool because hes around a lot. And he put me back in touch with My Walter Hoving home Big sister, and has given me some super cool work friends, and some really cool other friends from my group. But Satan put a few people in my path to try and give me the poisoned version of what God is building for me. Well i did fall into it at first, but God has been so awesome with helping me out of it. I just have to keep my eyes fixed on him. Its easy to be shaken sometimes. Especially when i start focusing to much on the earthly perspective. I know that things will be different once Zeh'en is back. OH YEAH! I'M TOTALLY GOING TO GIVE HIM A MIDDLE NAME!!! im so excited. Its like the best middle name ever!!!! His name will be Zeh'en Josiah Lee. SUPER!! Josiah is so awesome! he is in 2 kings. He is the King of Judah who destroyed all of the foreign Gods and high places and tore his robes when the book of the Law was found. It is said that no king before or since has turned so whole heartedly to the Lord. So i mentioned to John that i probably would have named him that if i had been where i am now. and he pointed out that Zeh'en doesnt have a middle name... so why not give him one! im totally JAZZED bout it. well i guess that is all for now! WOO HOO!!!!!!

CRIMENY!

Yeah. Crimeny is totally becoming my catch phrase. SO ANYWAY! i still dont have Zeh'en back... but things are getting there. I just started my new job. ITS AWESOME! Its like super low key. And i am getting my daily quota of hugs and stuff. Well anyhoo. Im just feeling super thankful this morning. Theres been some issues for me i guess. See my super swell friend John...is well... SWELL! I think God brought him in my life for lots of reasons. One of which is too keep me out of bad relationships. The way John treats me is totally a pattern for the way i should be treated by a guy. BUT Satan has been hurling everything he's got at me... and been trying to make me afraid of losing John. I guess its kinda weird. i dont know how to explain that. BUT God has been really workin in my heart and im giving it all back to him. I refuse to believe what Satan is saying and i am going to stand on the promise that God is in control. If God takes someone out of my life... I trust his choice to do so. If God brings someone in my life.. i trust him. If God makes me have to leave Vegas.. i trust him still. I AM REFUSING TO BE SHAKEN. I guess its like that old audio adrenaline song... "you can take my life my love, my liberty, lock me up... ILL STILL BE FREE! CUZ YOU CAN'T TAKE GOD FROM ME!" My hope is in the lord... my expectation comes from him. I need to stop focusing on WHAT God is blessing me with and start focusing my heart on the one who is blessing me. CRIMENY! I gotta go to work.. BUT IM SUPER EXCITED! THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

SUPER FANTASTIC

I GOT THE JOB!!!! im soooo happy!! AND not only that but the discount for Zeh'en to be there while i work is awesome!! i only pay 14 dollars a week!! oh im so happy! i just need to solidify child care plans for 2 evenings a week and im hoping to have zeh'en back by next week!!! i have missed him so much! i am also super excited because im gonna be starting the next phase! like ok. When i first got out of the program i had to learn to just function. Work and get the bills paid, scrape by if you will. As i got better with that then the divorce got more heated and i had to learn to keep on goin and how to let God have more control of me so i could handle it. Then i had to learn to trust God more as things with Zeh'ens dad got really hard and i was concerned about what was going on. Then i had to go through all of that time being lonely and deal with the fact that i have chosen the narrow gate...and sometimes that means you go alone. i had to balance all of those things with the strains of being a mom. I also had to learn to stand on Gods promises even when i cannot see the next step. That is a hard one especially when so many people are involved and they all want answers. well then after the pressure of the custody nightmare was lifted i had to let Zeh'en go for a bit. God started just working on me as me. All of those other things were me too, but since it was in the context of me being mom thats where everything was focused. God has used this time to remind me of the joy i have in being his child. And while i will always be mom , i am also just avenell. and i have been learning the joys of that. who i am in my friendships and how to balance my faith with life and people. Now that i have got this second job and a good set of support ( not in my family ) I feel like God is bringing all of these things together in my life and finally like the next phase begins. Im about to get to the part where it finally becomes my functioning life. not waiting on courts, waiting on situations, hoping the next step... its finally gonna be like LIFE! I will be combining the friendships and personal roles with the responsibilities and joys of motherhood. its hard to explain but im so excited about it. I am so excited to be of use to God. and i know to be of use i have to first use all the gifts and lessons to bring my own life to a balance of stability so that i am able to be used as a blessing for others. THANK YOU LORD!!!!!!!

GODS DOIN SOMETHIN!!!!

Yeah so there is no doubt that God is ALWAYS doing something.. but hes workin in my life hard core right now. IM SO EXCITED!!! I finally got the call from the preschool!!! i have my job interveiw tomarrow!!! HUZZAH! And today John came over and we got my garage all clean! I really feel like God is preparing me to be able to stay and make things work!!! Ok lemme back track a few days. So i went to Todds for Christmas. I caught a cold. LAME! then on saturday i was workin feelin ok but pretty sick. Then i went to the service and then to the bible study after. I had Got John some super cool christmas presents. mostly they were books of mine i knew hed like. On the bible and Jewish book of why. But i got him a little magnifying thing to read with because he has really poor eyesight... and im forever giving him books and texting him bible verses to read and stuff and i know he has a hard time trying to read it all. So i called and asked if i could drop it off. I went over there and we hung out while he opened his presents and stuff. I was all feeling guilty and going to leave because i was sick and i just wanted to hang out but i didnt want to get him sick. IT WAS SO COOL! He was totally like "i dont care! stay and hang out. if i get sick i get sick... thats life!" we started talking about several of the passages that i had been journaling on. He opened his presents and it was AWESOME! Like each of the books he opened like he made a production out of. he got as excited about getting it as i was about giving it. NO ONE EVER DOES THAT! Its not about the money spent. Like i said most of it were books of mine i knew hed like. He actually appreciated the fact that i was putting thought into a gift i knew would be something he would like. AND HE GETS EXCITED!! I never realized how excited of a person i am untill being born again. But i dont know a lot of people who get excited like i do. Its so fun to have a friend who gets excited like i do about the same bible stuff i do! Then we were talking about stuff, and he called me on the fact that my "dating" todd isnt a good thing. something ive kinda known. Its not anything horrible, he just isnt for me. He doesnt really want to spend time with me alot or make me feel good at all. Then he showed me his weapon collection. I didnt realize he was interested in martial arts and stuff too. Then i was getting all high feeling because of my fever, but we were having so much fun i didnt want to leave, so i asked if he had any Ibuprofen. He didnt. He was like " we gotta get you some medicine" i was totally like its no big deal! but he got all serious big brother on me and was like "were going to the store" and i hadnt eaten most of the day, but i was munching on apples. he was like "we need to get you some real food" i went to look in the frozen food and he got Big Brother again and was like "your sick. you need real healthy food." so he bought me some steak and some dayquill. then he told me to get some thing to drink. I usually just drink water anyway. I had some in my car. i told him that. he said "come on, your sick.. get something nice." so i got a bottle of "nicer" water. Then we went back to his house and he made the steak. he showed me how he was matching spices and seasonings and everything. Then we watched a few stupid funny shows and talked some more. IT WAS SO NEAT! He is so nice to me. He actually just enjoys hanging out. Most of my relationships (friendships included) i always feel like i need to be so careful and i dont want to do this or say that or screw that up or someone will be upset. Im so used to trying to keep the peace all the time. Its so awesome to have a friend that its like its just peaceful. All the things i was worried would offend him, totally didnt. i dont have to censor my thoughts or attitudes or anything. He recognizes all the little things i do. I like to do little random nice things. Thats just how i am. I dont think any one has ever noticed before other than my co-workers. I know this sounds like some kinda wonderful romance or something but its different than that. I dont even know how to explain it. Its just like God knew i needed someone to lean on that im not dating or involved with like that. Its just God. There is no other explanation. I am strong spiritually in the areas he is still dealing with, he is strong with the adult knowing how to "do" life issues that I struggle with, as well as the biblical doctrine and logistics and history of the bible. We both have enough screwy relationships in our pasts to know that this is just so much better as just a friend ship. and most importantly.. WE BOTH ARE EARNESTLY SEEKING GODS WILL IN OUR LIVES!! This is a friendship TOTALLY grounded in Christ! I havent had that since walter hoving home. It is helping me learn so much about myself and helping me grow in faith so much. I have been waiting so long for this. I have been pleading for a good christian friend that i can see often (my walter hoving sisters are on different schedules and one lives kinda far) that can help my faith grow. I have been hoping and praying for this for almost 2 years. SUDDENLY God just made it happen. John has been in my bible study for like 7 months or so. Weve talked before. But i never even guessed we would ever be good friends.. much less anything like this. I knew God had told me he would do this. In the story of Elijah. There was a sermon on it a while back. It was right where i was at. Elijah had just called down fire from heaven on mount Carmel! God had just manifested himself in his life powerfully. Then Jezebel said he had to leave by the following day or be killed. He got super discouraged and collapsed under a tree and cried out his pitiful prayer about how he just wanted to die and how he was the only righteous man left and been all depressed about feeling so burdened. Then after God gave him rest and fed him he spoke to him. The Elijah went out in accordance with Gods will and then suddenly God brought Elisha to him. They became so close and God used them to do amazing things. When this message was given i felt so moved that God was telling me to just keep going and trusting him, that i wouldnt be alone. Even with friends and family I still felt alone, because i could not connect with people about Gods word the way that i felt i needed too. My life is so centered on it its hard to connect with the average person. My sister Heather is one of the few i really felt i could connect with on a spiritual level, but she has a busy schedule and often times we dont get to talk a whole lot. I can connect with my mom too, but there is so much other stuff going on with her life and my life that it often keeps things kinda earthly perspective. And there is really something to be said for having a friend out side of the family structure. sometime there are family stresses. and it is hard to deal with my emotions about that stuff objectively when im talking to someone who is in the same thing. And i am really trying to get to a point where i can have my own life totally separate from my family. Like have a good relationship with my family, but have my life be what it needs to be, without their help. But its hard to keep that healthy distance with out other kinds of support. My church has been awesome for that too. I really feel like God has built a spiritual family here for me. I just feel so blessed. I think Jenny might be moving back in. And if i get this Job and everything works out... i could be getting Zeh'en back here really soon!! Im just so excited!!! I know that John also would be totally willing to help me with my budget. He mentioned that he had a friend before that he helped with that and how he enjoyed it. and as im just getting started here i think it could be such a big help. I just thank God so much. The blessings he gives me dont make since. Its hard to even see how these things happen, they just do. I just see his hand in my life so mighty and i am amazed and astounded!!!! Oh Lord that you might use all of the blessings you fill my heart with to overflow in joy into the lives around me that your love may be made complete in our lives. Fill me up Lord, that you may use me to pour your love into the lives of your lost sheep lord, only to be filled again. Thank you Jesus, for giving me a new meaning and purpose. Thank you for choosing to set me free and conform me to your perfect plan. Amen!!!!