SUPER FANTASTIC

I GOT THE JOB!!!! im soooo happy!! AND not only that but the discount for Zeh'en to be there while i work is awesome!! i only pay 14 dollars a week!! oh im so happy! i just need to solidify child care plans for 2 evenings a week and im hoping to have zeh'en back by next week!!! i have missed him so much! i am also super excited because im gonna be starting the next phase! like ok. When i first got out of the program i had to learn to just function. Work and get the bills paid, scrape by if you will. As i got better with that then the divorce got more heated and i had to learn to keep on goin and how to let God have more control of me so i could handle it. Then i had to learn to trust God more as things with Zeh'ens dad got really hard and i was concerned about what was going on. Then i had to go through all of that time being lonely and deal with the fact that i have chosen the narrow gate...and sometimes that means you go alone. i had to balance all of those things with the strains of being a mom. I also had to learn to stand on Gods promises even when i cannot see the next step. That is a hard one especially when so many people are involved and they all want answers. well then after the pressure of the custody nightmare was lifted i had to let Zeh'en go for a bit. God started just working on me as me. All of those other things were me too, but since it was in the context of me being mom thats where everything was focused. God has used this time to remind me of the joy i have in being his child. And while i will always be mom , i am also just avenell. and i have been learning the joys of that. who i am in my friendships and how to balance my faith with life and people. Now that i have got this second job and a good set of support ( not in my family ) I feel like God is bringing all of these things together in my life and finally like the next phase begins. Im about to get to the part where it finally becomes my functioning life. not waiting on courts, waiting on situations, hoping the next step... its finally gonna be like LIFE! I will be combining the friendships and personal roles with the responsibilities and joys of motherhood. its hard to explain but im so excited about it. I am so excited to be of use to God. and i know to be of use i have to first use all the gifts and lessons to bring my own life to a balance of stability so that i am able to be used as a blessing for others. THANK YOU LORD!!!!!!!

GODS DOIN SOMETHIN!!!!

Yeah so there is no doubt that God is ALWAYS doing something.. but hes workin in my life hard core right now. IM SO EXCITED!!! I finally got the call from the preschool!!! i have my job interveiw tomarrow!!! HUZZAH! And today John came over and we got my garage all clean! I really feel like God is preparing me to be able to stay and make things work!!! Ok lemme back track a few days. So i went to Todds for Christmas. I caught a cold. LAME! then on saturday i was workin feelin ok but pretty sick. Then i went to the service and then to the bible study after. I had Got John some super cool christmas presents. mostly they were books of mine i knew hed like. On the bible and Jewish book of why. But i got him a little magnifying thing to read with because he has really poor eyesight... and im forever giving him books and texting him bible verses to read and stuff and i know he has a hard time trying to read it all. So i called and asked if i could drop it off. I went over there and we hung out while he opened his presents and stuff. I was all feeling guilty and going to leave because i was sick and i just wanted to hang out but i didnt want to get him sick. IT WAS SO COOL! He was totally like "i dont care! stay and hang out. if i get sick i get sick... thats life!" we started talking about several of the passages that i had been journaling on. He opened his presents and it was AWESOME! Like each of the books he opened like he made a production out of. he got as excited about getting it as i was about giving it. NO ONE EVER DOES THAT! Its not about the money spent. Like i said most of it were books of mine i knew hed like. He actually appreciated the fact that i was putting thought into a gift i knew would be something he would like. AND HE GETS EXCITED!! I never realized how excited of a person i am untill being born again. But i dont know a lot of people who get excited like i do. Its so fun to have a friend who gets excited like i do about the same bible stuff i do! Then we were talking about stuff, and he called me on the fact that my "dating" todd isnt a good thing. something ive kinda known. Its not anything horrible, he just isnt for me. He doesnt really want to spend time with me alot or make me feel good at all. Then he showed me his weapon collection. I didnt realize he was interested in martial arts and stuff too. Then i was getting all high feeling because of my fever, but we were having so much fun i didnt want to leave, so i asked if he had any Ibuprofen. He didnt. He was like " we gotta get you some medicine" i was totally like its no big deal! but he got all serious big brother on me and was like "were going to the store" and i hadnt eaten most of the day, but i was munching on apples. he was like "we need to get you some real food" i went to look in the frozen food and he got Big Brother again and was like "your sick. you need real healthy food." so he bought me some steak and some dayquill. then he told me to get some thing to drink. I usually just drink water anyway. I had some in my car. i told him that. he said "come on, your sick.. get something nice." so i got a bottle of "nicer" water. Then we went back to his house and he made the steak. he showed me how he was matching spices and seasonings and everything. Then we watched a few stupid funny shows and talked some more. IT WAS SO NEAT! He is so nice to me. He actually just enjoys hanging out. Most of my relationships (friendships included) i always feel like i need to be so careful and i dont want to do this or say that or screw that up or someone will be upset. Im so used to trying to keep the peace all the time. Its so awesome to have a friend that its like its just peaceful. All the things i was worried would offend him, totally didnt. i dont have to censor my thoughts or attitudes or anything. He recognizes all the little things i do. I like to do little random nice things. Thats just how i am. I dont think any one has ever noticed before other than my co-workers. I know this sounds like some kinda wonderful romance or something but its different than that. I dont even know how to explain it. Its just like God knew i needed someone to lean on that im not dating or involved with like that. Its just God. There is no other explanation. I am strong spiritually in the areas he is still dealing with, he is strong with the adult knowing how to "do" life issues that I struggle with, as well as the biblical doctrine and logistics and history of the bible. We both have enough screwy relationships in our pasts to know that this is just so much better as just a friend ship. and most importantly.. WE BOTH ARE EARNESTLY SEEKING GODS WILL IN OUR LIVES!! This is a friendship TOTALLY grounded in Christ! I havent had that since walter hoving home. It is helping me learn so much about myself and helping me grow in faith so much. I have been waiting so long for this. I have been pleading for a good christian friend that i can see often (my walter hoving sisters are on different schedules and one lives kinda far) that can help my faith grow. I have been hoping and praying for this for almost 2 years. SUDDENLY God just made it happen. John has been in my bible study for like 7 months or so. Weve talked before. But i never even guessed we would ever be good friends.. much less anything like this. I knew God had told me he would do this. In the story of Elijah. There was a sermon on it a while back. It was right where i was at. Elijah had just called down fire from heaven on mount Carmel! God had just manifested himself in his life powerfully. Then Jezebel said he had to leave by the following day or be killed. He got super discouraged and collapsed under a tree and cried out his pitiful prayer about how he just wanted to die and how he was the only righteous man left and been all depressed about feeling so burdened. Then after God gave him rest and fed him he spoke to him. The Elijah went out in accordance with Gods will and then suddenly God brought Elisha to him. They became so close and God used them to do amazing things. When this message was given i felt so moved that God was telling me to just keep going and trusting him, that i wouldnt be alone. Even with friends and family I still felt alone, because i could not connect with people about Gods word the way that i felt i needed too. My life is so centered on it its hard to connect with the average person. My sister Heather is one of the few i really felt i could connect with on a spiritual level, but she has a busy schedule and often times we dont get to talk a whole lot. I can connect with my mom too, but there is so much other stuff going on with her life and my life that it often keeps things kinda earthly perspective. And there is really something to be said for having a friend out side of the family structure. sometime there are family stresses. and it is hard to deal with my emotions about that stuff objectively when im talking to someone who is in the same thing. And i am really trying to get to a point where i can have my own life totally separate from my family. Like have a good relationship with my family, but have my life be what it needs to be, without their help. But its hard to keep that healthy distance with out other kinds of support. My church has been awesome for that too. I really feel like God has built a spiritual family here for me. I just feel so blessed. I think Jenny might be moving back in. And if i get this Job and everything works out... i could be getting Zeh'en back here really soon!! Im just so excited!!! I know that John also would be totally willing to help me with my budget. He mentioned that he had a friend before that he helped with that and how he enjoyed it. and as im just getting started here i think it could be such a big help. I just thank God so much. The blessings he gives me dont make since. Its hard to even see how these things happen, they just do. I just see his hand in my life so mighty and i am amazed and astounded!!!! Oh Lord that you might use all of the blessings you fill my heart with to overflow in joy into the lives around me that your love may be made complete in our lives. Fill me up Lord, that you may use me to pour your love into the lives of your lost sheep lord, only to be filled again. Thank you Jesus, for giving me a new meaning and purpose. Thank you for choosing to set me free and conform me to your perfect plan. Amen!!!!

ZEAL BABY!

Ok. So things have been super awesome. I still havent figured out exactly how to stay in vegas.. but i am hoping that will come together soon. Super awesomist thing ever... God sent me the most awesome person in answer to my prayers!! His name is John and he is EXACTLY what ive been hoping and praying for. He is totally just a friend. Because this gift from God is way to precious to squander on silly little hormone games. We just happened to start talking like 2 sundays ago. When we get talking like hours pass like super fast. Most every time we get on the phone i probably walk a mile in my house because we talk for at least 2 hours and i get so excited i cant sit still so i have to pace.... and intermittently jump up and down. He has totally awesome views on scripture... very liner very scientific. It is kinda a very different angle than the one that i usually perceive Gods word through. But when we get going it is totally the epitome of iron sharpens iron. Because our views are different perspectives but not in opposition its just been such an exciting time talking to him. The best thing for me is that HE ACTUALLY GETS AS EXCITED ABOUT THE BIBLE AS I DO!!! It is so discouraging to have a passion for Gods word... thats like a fire burning inside me and then to talk to my friends and fellow believers and its like they are interested but not excited. I just want to like jump and yell and shout " DONT YOU GET IT?!!?? THE GOD OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE THE WHOLE OF EXISTENCE IS TALKING DIRECTLY TO US EACH INDIVIDUALLY!!!!! ??" Crimeny!!! whew!!! i get worked up over this stuff.. its so exciting to me!!! And because i finally have someone to talk to that gets excited its given me a fresh drive in my spiritual life. Everything was going fine.. but it was just starting to kinda feel lonely and hard to have this passion and no one to share it with. As soon as i started talking to John it was like fresh fire in my life. I wake up every morning excited to get into my daily study. I email him a buncha times throughout the day as like scriptures hit me or i get an insight or have a question. its just sooooo coool!! And then in the midst of this God brought this friend from work into a conversation that led to an interest in Johns point of view and this guy (an agnostic) is interested in meeting with us to have a kinda bible study/Q&A .. and then God allowed another woman who is at the beginning of her journey in Christ into my life and a chance to talk to my Big Sister from my recovery program and i think he brought all of us together to have a really special womans study!! IM SOOO EXCITED!! And i love all these bible studies ive gotten involved in i just feel so excited and hopeful about whatever God is going to do in all of this. I keep like just being excited all the time right now. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!

Here's to Hopin!

Well. I really want to stay in Vegas. I never thought i would say those words... but its true. This arid, dusty, allergenic, windy, unpredictable melting pot of sin has really grown on me. In recent years i have even been heard to say on a day in midsummer with the temp at about 115* F .. "It's not so bad" and even at 105* F.. "It's kinda nice". I dont know when exactly it happened.. but Vegas is my home. Well i spent a few hours putting in applications today. I put notice for a roommate needed at my church. I don't know if it is God's will or not. I guess we never really know that until after the fact. But i am encouraged to feel that if it is God's will... then nothing can stop it. Because i serve a God who opens what no one can shut, and shuts what no one can open. (Rev 3:7) I guess there are good things on both sides. I would really enjoy living with my sister. And it would give me the help i need to be able to get an education and everything. But i just really want to be able to make things work here. I want to have my own life that is dependent only on God and what he provides and helps me accomplish. For the righteous shall live by faith. But that faith is not exercised when theres always my family there picking up the pieces. I guess I just kinda feel like im ready to give all the good things God has stored up in my heart a chance to manifest in my life. I dunno. Ive never been very good at getting things done. I've always had a hard time with getting jobs. Once i get one im fine but ive always struggled with the whole trying to convince people to hire me part. Im only just barely learning the basics of managing my money and budgeting. But Im not who I was. I think i struggled with getting jobs before because i didnt like me... how could i convince someone else to. Now if i can just get to the interview im sure id have a really good shot. because i know that i can take on any job God gives me. While im still new at this whole life thing... how am i ever going to get it if i dont start doing it? I dont know. I just cant believe that God has brought me out of drugs, self hatred, bondage of every kind, emotional abuse, a horrible divorce/custody battle, and everything else to simply leave me hanging now. I feel like God has used so many things in so many ways to teach and guide me and build me up inside... i guess i just kinda hope that is so it can be released to help me make things work. I know it won't be easy. Single mom's always have it rough. But I think i am actually getting to the point where i actually feel joy in the middle of struggle. It's almost like an excitement that it means i know God is building me up and making me stronger. The more he does that the more i am eager to see what the out come will be. Why is he making me stronger unless it is to use me for his glory? Well i will leave with one of the most basic promises in the bible... "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength!"Phil 4:13

Monday Madness!!!

Well. Tonight... er rather last night was my bowling night. Ha Ha I just wanted to say that. I am actually going to be having a bowling night. Thats crazy. Ive never really had any social sportish activity like on a regular basis. It was totally fun. That guy i kinda like er whatever was supposed to come. Last week i went with him and my other friend. He kinda seems like he doesnt really wanna hang out though. Maybe hes just to nice to blow me off bluntly and hopes ill figure it out. I dunno. But anyway he's the one who suggested having Monday night a bowling night because its cheap. But because i dont talk to him much lately i was like wanting to not have my fun activity based on hoping he still wanted to bowl. So i got a group of my friends from work. Then The guy flaked out anyway. I think maybe he's been going out with me out of pity. Oh well. Anyway. While i was a little disappointed when i called him from the bowling alley that he wasnt coming it was cool because i was able to still have a ton of fun. I also think that this is an answer to my prayer. I have been wasting a lot of time trying to analyze what is up with this guy. Theres not a lot of communication so i keep thinking things are one way then they are not. I was however becoming aware that this guy is not good for me. He is a christian and all.. but he doesnt seem to have the fire for it. When i hang out with him i have tons of fun... but it's like old fun. It makes me feel like who i used to be a little or something. I just feel like it gets in the way of my spiritual walk. I have been praying that God would just take hold of everything and get me back on track. Sunday was totally awesome. well and Saturday night. I go to service Saturday night and one bible study then i go to 2 bible studies on sunday morning. Everything was just totally clicking with this drive to get back on track. Now tonight even though i still wanted to see him, God told me no.. but showed me i could still have fun. I don't know that next time i will feel the need to call him. I had fun without him there, and i didn't leave trying to analyze anything. I guess i am really lonely. I miss my son a lot.. but i also really do want to get remarried someday. I want to be part of a strong spiritual union. This guy is not that guy. I want to meet someone who i can fall in love with their passion for Christ. I was drawn to this guy because of what i thought was there. While i admit he is still very close to my heart.. i also realize i was mistaken. He loves God... but still has a passion for the world. I wanted so bad to have someone special in my life... i was trying to make it be him... but i think God is being pretty clear.. its not him. I know that when God sends someone for me They will draw me nearer to God... not pull me away. As i was rereading some of my posts i was reminded of how much God is doing in my life. How much he has brought me through. The answers to my prayers. The miracles. I just get overwhelmed with awe and joy and love for my savior. If anything or anyone pulls me away from that... even a little... on what shall i stand? like the old hymn says "I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus name" and it also says "when all around my soul gives way, he then is all my hope and stay" I cant trust twitterpated feelings. I can only trust in Jesus. And if those feelings lead me away.. then on what shall i stand when "all around my soul gives way?"