SUPER FANTASTIC

I GOT THE JOB!!!! im soooo happy!! AND not only that but the discount for Zeh'en to be there while i work is awesome!! i only pay 14 dollars a week!! oh im so happy! i just need to solidify child care plans for 2 evenings a week and im hoping to have zeh'en back by next week!!! i have missed him so much! i am also super excited because im gonna be starting the next phase! like ok. When i first got out of the program i had to learn to just function. Work and get the bills paid, scrape by if you will. As i got better with that then the divorce got more heated and i had to learn to keep on goin and how to let God have more control of me so i could handle it. Then i had to learn to trust God more as things with Zeh'ens dad got really hard and i was concerned about what was going on. Then i had to go through all of that time being lonely and deal with the fact that i have chosen the narrow gate...and sometimes that means you go alone. i had to balance all of those things with the strains of being a mom. I also had to learn to stand on Gods promises even when i cannot see the next step. That is a hard one especially when so many people are involved and they all want answers. well then after the pressure of the custody nightmare was lifted i had to let Zeh'en go for a bit. God started just working on me as me. All of those other things were me too, but since it was in the context of me being mom thats where everything was focused. God has used this time to remind me of the joy i have in being his child. And while i will always be mom , i am also just avenell. and i have been learning the joys of that. who i am in my friendships and how to balance my faith with life and people. Now that i have got this second job and a good set of support ( not in my family ) I feel like God is bringing all of these things together in my life and finally like the next phase begins. Im about to get to the part where it finally becomes my functioning life. not waiting on courts, waiting on situations, hoping the next step... its finally gonna be like LIFE! I will be combining the friendships and personal roles with the responsibilities and joys of motherhood. its hard to explain but im so excited about it. I am so excited to be of use to God. and i know to be of use i have to first use all the gifts and lessons to bring my own life to a balance of stability so that i am able to be used as a blessing for others. THANK YOU LORD!!!!!!!

GODS DOIN SOMETHIN!!!!

Yeah so there is no doubt that God is ALWAYS doing something.. but hes workin in my life hard core right now. IM SO EXCITED!!! I finally got the call from the preschool!!! i have my job interveiw tomarrow!!! HUZZAH! And today John came over and we got my garage all clean! I really feel like God is preparing me to be able to stay and make things work!!! Ok lemme back track a few days. So i went to Todds for Christmas. I caught a cold. LAME! then on saturday i was workin feelin ok but pretty sick. Then i went to the service and then to the bible study after. I had Got John some super cool christmas presents. mostly they were books of mine i knew hed like. On the bible and Jewish book of why. But i got him a little magnifying thing to read with because he has really poor eyesight... and im forever giving him books and texting him bible verses to read and stuff and i know he has a hard time trying to read it all. So i called and asked if i could drop it off. I went over there and we hung out while he opened his presents and stuff. I was all feeling guilty and going to leave because i was sick and i just wanted to hang out but i didnt want to get him sick. IT WAS SO COOL! He was totally like "i dont care! stay and hang out. if i get sick i get sick... thats life!" we started talking about several of the passages that i had been journaling on. He opened his presents and it was AWESOME! Like each of the books he opened like he made a production out of. he got as excited about getting it as i was about giving it. NO ONE EVER DOES THAT! Its not about the money spent. Like i said most of it were books of mine i knew hed like. He actually appreciated the fact that i was putting thought into a gift i knew would be something he would like. AND HE GETS EXCITED!! I never realized how excited of a person i am untill being born again. But i dont know a lot of people who get excited like i do. Its so fun to have a friend who gets excited like i do about the same bible stuff i do! Then we were talking about stuff, and he called me on the fact that my "dating" todd isnt a good thing. something ive kinda known. Its not anything horrible, he just isnt for me. He doesnt really want to spend time with me alot or make me feel good at all. Then he showed me his weapon collection. I didnt realize he was interested in martial arts and stuff too. Then i was getting all high feeling because of my fever, but we were having so much fun i didnt want to leave, so i asked if he had any Ibuprofen. He didnt. He was like " we gotta get you some medicine" i was totally like its no big deal! but he got all serious big brother on me and was like "were going to the store" and i hadnt eaten most of the day, but i was munching on apples. he was like "we need to get you some real food" i went to look in the frozen food and he got Big Brother again and was like "your sick. you need real healthy food." so he bought me some steak and some dayquill. then he told me to get some thing to drink. I usually just drink water anyway. I had some in my car. i told him that. he said "come on, your sick.. get something nice." so i got a bottle of "nicer" water. Then we went back to his house and he made the steak. he showed me how he was matching spices and seasonings and everything. Then we watched a few stupid funny shows and talked some more. IT WAS SO NEAT! He is so nice to me. He actually just enjoys hanging out. Most of my relationships (friendships included) i always feel like i need to be so careful and i dont want to do this or say that or screw that up or someone will be upset. Im so used to trying to keep the peace all the time. Its so awesome to have a friend that its like its just peaceful. All the things i was worried would offend him, totally didnt. i dont have to censor my thoughts or attitudes or anything. He recognizes all the little things i do. I like to do little random nice things. Thats just how i am. I dont think any one has ever noticed before other than my co-workers. I know this sounds like some kinda wonderful romance or something but its different than that. I dont even know how to explain it. Its just like God knew i needed someone to lean on that im not dating or involved with like that. Its just God. There is no other explanation. I am strong spiritually in the areas he is still dealing with, he is strong with the adult knowing how to "do" life issues that I struggle with, as well as the biblical doctrine and logistics and history of the bible. We both have enough screwy relationships in our pasts to know that this is just so much better as just a friend ship. and most importantly.. WE BOTH ARE EARNESTLY SEEKING GODS WILL IN OUR LIVES!! This is a friendship TOTALLY grounded in Christ! I havent had that since walter hoving home. It is helping me learn so much about myself and helping me grow in faith so much. I have been waiting so long for this. I have been pleading for a good christian friend that i can see often (my walter hoving sisters are on different schedules and one lives kinda far) that can help my faith grow. I have been hoping and praying for this for almost 2 years. SUDDENLY God just made it happen. John has been in my bible study for like 7 months or so. Weve talked before. But i never even guessed we would ever be good friends.. much less anything like this. I knew God had told me he would do this. In the story of Elijah. There was a sermon on it a while back. It was right where i was at. Elijah had just called down fire from heaven on mount Carmel! God had just manifested himself in his life powerfully. Then Jezebel said he had to leave by the following day or be killed. He got super discouraged and collapsed under a tree and cried out his pitiful prayer about how he just wanted to die and how he was the only righteous man left and been all depressed about feeling so burdened. Then after God gave him rest and fed him he spoke to him. The Elijah went out in accordance with Gods will and then suddenly God brought Elisha to him. They became so close and God used them to do amazing things. When this message was given i felt so moved that God was telling me to just keep going and trusting him, that i wouldnt be alone. Even with friends and family I still felt alone, because i could not connect with people about Gods word the way that i felt i needed too. My life is so centered on it its hard to connect with the average person. My sister Heather is one of the few i really felt i could connect with on a spiritual level, but she has a busy schedule and often times we dont get to talk a whole lot. I can connect with my mom too, but there is so much other stuff going on with her life and my life that it often keeps things kinda earthly perspective. And there is really something to be said for having a friend out side of the family structure. sometime there are family stresses. and it is hard to deal with my emotions about that stuff objectively when im talking to someone who is in the same thing. And i am really trying to get to a point where i can have my own life totally separate from my family. Like have a good relationship with my family, but have my life be what it needs to be, without their help. But its hard to keep that healthy distance with out other kinds of support. My church has been awesome for that too. I really feel like God has built a spiritual family here for me. I just feel so blessed. I think Jenny might be moving back in. And if i get this Job and everything works out... i could be getting Zeh'en back here really soon!! Im just so excited!!! I know that John also would be totally willing to help me with my budget. He mentioned that he had a friend before that he helped with that and how he enjoyed it. and as im just getting started here i think it could be such a big help. I just thank God so much. The blessings he gives me dont make since. Its hard to even see how these things happen, they just do. I just see his hand in my life so mighty and i am amazed and astounded!!!! Oh Lord that you might use all of the blessings you fill my heart with to overflow in joy into the lives around me that your love may be made complete in our lives. Fill me up Lord, that you may use me to pour your love into the lives of your lost sheep lord, only to be filled again. Thank you Jesus, for giving me a new meaning and purpose. Thank you for choosing to set me free and conform me to your perfect plan. Amen!!!!

ZEAL BABY!

Ok. So things have been super awesome. I still havent figured out exactly how to stay in vegas.. but i am hoping that will come together soon. Super awesomist thing ever... God sent me the most awesome person in answer to my prayers!! His name is John and he is EXACTLY what ive been hoping and praying for. He is totally just a friend. Because this gift from God is way to precious to squander on silly little hormone games. We just happened to start talking like 2 sundays ago. When we get talking like hours pass like super fast. Most every time we get on the phone i probably walk a mile in my house because we talk for at least 2 hours and i get so excited i cant sit still so i have to pace.... and intermittently jump up and down. He has totally awesome views on scripture... very liner very scientific. It is kinda a very different angle than the one that i usually perceive Gods word through. But when we get going it is totally the epitome of iron sharpens iron. Because our views are different perspectives but not in opposition its just been such an exciting time talking to him. The best thing for me is that HE ACTUALLY GETS AS EXCITED ABOUT THE BIBLE AS I DO!!! It is so discouraging to have a passion for Gods word... thats like a fire burning inside me and then to talk to my friends and fellow believers and its like they are interested but not excited. I just want to like jump and yell and shout " DONT YOU GET IT?!!?? THE GOD OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE THE WHOLE OF EXISTENCE IS TALKING DIRECTLY TO US EACH INDIVIDUALLY!!!!! ??" Crimeny!!! whew!!! i get worked up over this stuff.. its so exciting to me!!! And because i finally have someone to talk to that gets excited its given me a fresh drive in my spiritual life. Everything was going fine.. but it was just starting to kinda feel lonely and hard to have this passion and no one to share it with. As soon as i started talking to John it was like fresh fire in my life. I wake up every morning excited to get into my daily study. I email him a buncha times throughout the day as like scriptures hit me or i get an insight or have a question. its just sooooo coool!! And then in the midst of this God brought this friend from work into a conversation that led to an interest in Johns point of view and this guy (an agnostic) is interested in meeting with us to have a kinda bible study/Q&A .. and then God allowed another woman who is at the beginning of her journey in Christ into my life and a chance to talk to my Big Sister from my recovery program and i think he brought all of us together to have a really special womans study!! IM SOOO EXCITED!! And i love all these bible studies ive gotten involved in i just feel so excited and hopeful about whatever God is going to do in all of this. I keep like just being excited all the time right now. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!

Here's to Hopin!

Well. I really want to stay in Vegas. I never thought i would say those words... but its true. This arid, dusty, allergenic, windy, unpredictable melting pot of sin has really grown on me. In recent years i have even been heard to say on a day in midsummer with the temp at about 115* F .. "It's not so bad" and even at 105* F.. "It's kinda nice". I dont know when exactly it happened.. but Vegas is my home. Well i spent a few hours putting in applications today. I put notice for a roommate needed at my church. I don't know if it is God's will or not. I guess we never really know that until after the fact. But i am encouraged to feel that if it is God's will... then nothing can stop it. Because i serve a God who opens what no one can shut, and shuts what no one can open. (Rev 3:7) I guess there are good things on both sides. I would really enjoy living with my sister. And it would give me the help i need to be able to get an education and everything. But i just really want to be able to make things work here. I want to have my own life that is dependent only on God and what he provides and helps me accomplish. For the righteous shall live by faith. But that faith is not exercised when theres always my family there picking up the pieces. I guess I just kinda feel like im ready to give all the good things God has stored up in my heart a chance to manifest in my life. I dunno. Ive never been very good at getting things done. I've always had a hard time with getting jobs. Once i get one im fine but ive always struggled with the whole trying to convince people to hire me part. Im only just barely learning the basics of managing my money and budgeting. But Im not who I was. I think i struggled with getting jobs before because i didnt like me... how could i convince someone else to. Now if i can just get to the interview im sure id have a really good shot. because i know that i can take on any job God gives me. While im still new at this whole life thing... how am i ever going to get it if i dont start doing it? I dont know. I just cant believe that God has brought me out of drugs, self hatred, bondage of every kind, emotional abuse, a horrible divorce/custody battle, and everything else to simply leave me hanging now. I feel like God has used so many things in so many ways to teach and guide me and build me up inside... i guess i just kinda hope that is so it can be released to help me make things work. I know it won't be easy. Single mom's always have it rough. But I think i am actually getting to the point where i actually feel joy in the middle of struggle. It's almost like an excitement that it means i know God is building me up and making me stronger. The more he does that the more i am eager to see what the out come will be. Why is he making me stronger unless it is to use me for his glory? Well i will leave with one of the most basic promises in the bible... "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength!"Phil 4:13

Monday Madness!!!

Well. Tonight... er rather last night was my bowling night. Ha Ha I just wanted to say that. I am actually going to be having a bowling night. Thats crazy. Ive never really had any social sportish activity like on a regular basis. It was totally fun. That guy i kinda like er whatever was supposed to come. Last week i went with him and my other friend. He kinda seems like he doesnt really wanna hang out though. Maybe hes just to nice to blow me off bluntly and hopes ill figure it out. I dunno. But anyway he's the one who suggested having Monday night a bowling night because its cheap. But because i dont talk to him much lately i was like wanting to not have my fun activity based on hoping he still wanted to bowl. So i got a group of my friends from work. Then The guy flaked out anyway. I think maybe he's been going out with me out of pity. Oh well. Anyway. While i was a little disappointed when i called him from the bowling alley that he wasnt coming it was cool because i was able to still have a ton of fun. I also think that this is an answer to my prayer. I have been wasting a lot of time trying to analyze what is up with this guy. Theres not a lot of communication so i keep thinking things are one way then they are not. I was however becoming aware that this guy is not good for me. He is a christian and all.. but he doesnt seem to have the fire for it. When i hang out with him i have tons of fun... but it's like old fun. It makes me feel like who i used to be a little or something. I just feel like it gets in the way of my spiritual walk. I have been praying that God would just take hold of everything and get me back on track. Sunday was totally awesome. well and Saturday night. I go to service Saturday night and one bible study then i go to 2 bible studies on sunday morning. Everything was just totally clicking with this drive to get back on track. Now tonight even though i still wanted to see him, God told me no.. but showed me i could still have fun. I don't know that next time i will feel the need to call him. I had fun without him there, and i didn't leave trying to analyze anything. I guess i am really lonely. I miss my son a lot.. but i also really do want to get remarried someday. I want to be part of a strong spiritual union. This guy is not that guy. I want to meet someone who i can fall in love with their passion for Christ. I was drawn to this guy because of what i thought was there. While i admit he is still very close to my heart.. i also realize i was mistaken. He loves God... but still has a passion for the world. I wanted so bad to have someone special in my life... i was trying to make it be him... but i think God is being pretty clear.. its not him. I know that when God sends someone for me They will draw me nearer to God... not pull me away. As i was rereading some of my posts i was reminded of how much God is doing in my life. How much he has brought me through. The answers to my prayers. The miracles. I just get overwhelmed with awe and joy and love for my savior. If anything or anyone pulls me away from that... even a little... on what shall i stand? like the old hymn says "I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus name" and it also says "when all around my soul gives way, he then is all my hope and stay" I cant trust twitterpated feelings. I can only trust in Jesus. And if those feelings lead me away.. then on what shall i stand when "all around my soul gives way?"

Another Day Away From Zeh

Well its been now almost 3 weeks that i have been apart from my son. Im really starting to feel it. I finally have more of a social life.. but i really miss Zeh'en. Its funny but part of it is also i'm having some kinda identity crisis. It feels really weird to just be me. I am so used to being Mom. When im not being mom its hard to remember how to be just me. I dont know how to explain it. part of it is that for most of my born again life i have been mom. I am so focused on being a Godly mom. Now i have to be just me and well, theres a lot of bad programming to bypass. Most of my time as a mom I have been walking the higher road... being a Godly woman. Most of the time i have been me... i was a pleasure seeking drug addict hooked on various creative outlets or obsessed with comics/martial arts/star trek/what have you. So its like the programming is different and it seems harder to walk the higher road in this role. Part of it is now that im actually going out with people i guess i have a harder time being "in the world, not of the world". its funny because ive never had a problem doing that at my work or anything before. I suppose this is an important part of the growing process for me. Because there will be a day when it is just me again and i need to know how to be the Godly woman i am called to be. This guy i was kinda seeing may have played a part in it too. i think i allowed some distance between God and I that hasnt been there in a long time. I was trying to kind of enjoy feeling young and single and attractive... and leaving God out of it a little more than before. Which really is extremely ungrateful seeing as how he is the one who gave me the weight loss and self confidence. I also kind of halted in my weight loss too. I feel that if i am not trust worthy with what God blesses me with... why should he continue to bless me with it? In this since i think it means that i need to be thankful, and while i enjoy feeling confident, to not slip into a kind of worldly confidence or vanity. While i enjoy going out and having friends... It is Christ in me that makes me beautiful and gives me Joy. I can enjoy everything just as much as everyone else... but if Christ is absent from my mind... then my mind isnt where it ought to be. I must also remember that while I know God wants me to have some time to enjoy being who he has made me... I cant take my spirituality lightly. Because this time of peace is not to last. If i cease my growth in times of Joy then times of toil must follow. For God will not allow me to stop growing. I also know that i need times of trial. I don't want to stand before my God at the end and give an account of a Good and easy life... especially if i happen to be standing next to a missionary who was tortured and killed for his faith. Though i am of course afraid of the type of torture that so many in other places endure.. I don't want my walk with Jesus to be easy. While a time of peace is welcome after the struggles i have been dealing with, part of me misses the trials i was enduring. Its so much easier to hold on to Jesus when those kinds of things are going on. Now he is calling me to hold to him not against attack... but against the temptation to be luke warm and more focused on my selfish desires. I am more confused by this. But I thank God that he has called me to learn this as well. I thank God for his willingness to keep on teaching me, even though sometimes i think im done learning, he is always willing to open my eyes and show me more.

Here I go again not on my own

Har Har Har. Did ya catch that clever twist on the title of that forever old was it whitesnake song? well it has been a few weeks... man time flies by. Well i guess the update would be that the day i was supposed to go to the hearing and start the whole messy custody madness over again my attorney called and said my ex was willing to terminate his parental rights for X amount of dollars. well the deal is underway and Zeh'en is in Sacramento with my parents right now so that i am able to work now that his dad will no longer be watching him. I cant even begin to articulate the amount of spiritual battles that have been going on since. But i do claim that this was Gods victory. I am free from the constant harassment of dealing with my ex. I am able to move to Sacramento... or where ever i choose. Right now my predicament is trying to figure out what to do. I have been trapped in this ugly custody thing for so long, i don't know what to do now that im free of it. I find that i really would like to stay in Vegas. I love my church, im finally getting more plugged in. I like to be close to Walter Hoving home, and i feel like there are a lot of people in my life that God has brought into my life for a purpose that is not yet accomplished. I guess right now my spiritual focus has been on love. With Zeh'en not here i have been feeling kinda lonely and spent some time with this guy from my church. I feel extremely attracted to him and especially feel the need to touch... like hugging and stuff. I think part of this might be the absence of all the snuggling with my son i am used to. I am missing that physical love and trying to fill it with this guy i kinda like. While it's nice and all i kinda was losing sight of my first love. God was dealing with me last night. I was starting to feel all kinds of rejection and things from this guy that i dont think were really going on. I just have lingering issues from my ex husband. but God was letting me feel that to remind me no matter what no man can ever accept me the way i want to be accepted. only God can. I renounced Satans part in my feelings last night and prayed that God would take hold of all of these things. Today i feel much better. This guy is someone i would like to just kinda be friends with and see what happens. I also recognize that i really miss my son. But most of all what i realize is that while i had a close encounter of the romantic kind i stopped focusing on my divine romance. It is a romance. I love Jesus with every fiber of my being. He is the one i want to hold me. When i lay my head on this guys chest, its just a poor substitute. I close my eyes and imagine what it would be to lay my head on Jesus chest. That he would stroke my hair (each on of which he would know the number). Let me talk or cry or laugh about whatever i was thinking.Tell me he understands...and it would be true. I picture talking and laughing with him. I picture him softly touching my face. Every part of me he would smile and say something like "i made your eyes this shape because it brings out the shape i crafted your face to be." or "you remember when you were very small and your favorite color was green? that is why when you were a teenager i changed your eyes from Hazel to green. Because i remember how excited you were when you found out eyes could be green!" he would kiss my forehead and tell me I'm beautiful BECAUSE he loves me. I imagine as i am being attacked by all kinds of horrible feelings and memories and regrets... each of which i picture as a demon trying to torment me... then as fall to the ground in tears.. my Jesus speaks just one word and they all scatter. He helps me up and embraces me. Whenever they try to come at me again i have but to call upon the name of my love and they flee in fear. I hear the words of that mercy me song and imagine him saying to satan as he accuses me and asks to destroy me... "This one's mine!" whenever i am in a place i feel lost or scared or defeated i close my eyes and picture Jesus right next to me.. or leading me where i am afraid to go. like when i was going into the court room i pictured him walking in first. I know he is always with me.. but sometimes when i visualize it it helps me remember its true and even though i cant hold him now i am strengthend by his love for me.

Feeling Thankful

The past few days my schedule has been thrown off. My mom has been in town and so the schedule has been different. because of that my prayer time and workout schedule (during which i read a spiritual growth type of book, Lots of Neil Anderson) has been thrown off and so i was starting to get on edge. But when i hit my max point (it is funny to note that the point i feel maxed out now is not very extreme at all. but its not the same kind of maxed out i used to feel either. it is mostly a point where i start to feel like I'm drifting just a few inches from closeness with god.. The more he gives us the more we need. He will not give us a hunger and thirst for righteousness unless he intends to fill it. if I start to drift man do i get hungry and thirsty very very quick. It doesn't take but a few minutes to remind me that with out the holy spirit abounding in me i cant function, all i do is panic, and usually create more problems).I grabbed just a moment and said a quick heartfelt prayer.." Lord i need some time with you." This was quickly accommodated. I got to go work out and then My son went to sleep easy and i had some time to pray and just talk to God about how i was feeling. I prayed my armour on.. Left some things at Jesus feet (that he almost immediately assured me he was already dealing with.) and then had a great night at work. My tables were all nice and easy going. Then when i came home my mom was watching some of the Movies i have been wanting people to see forever but no one ever watches them. Joyce Meyer Dealing with the devil and the like. We got to have a nice calm conversation entirely about God and how we know we can trust him in the midst of the storms we face. I am so encouraged and am so ready to trust God tomorrow as we go to yet another custody related hearing. Its funny how things change. I am finally at a point where something Beth Moore was quoting over and over is making since. Genesis 15:1b "Do not be afraid Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward." I have seen clearly that God has been my shield over and over. but it is more recently that i have begun to realize that he is my very great reward. it is so hard to see from the outside of a close christian walk how rewarding it is. We see all the sacrifice we see all the things we think we love being taken away.. but the reward of being close to God is something that is inconceivable until God reveals it. But he truly is my very great reward!

Welcome Obama

Well i guess the choice has been made. i admit i feel a little disheartened. I simply cannot believe that the situation in the middle east will suddenly go away. And i REALLY cannot believe that Obama will ever be able to handle it in a way that will be effective. I am reminded of the story of Winston Churchill. He knew that the situation with Germany was more serious than people were thinking. But he was not elected. Then Neville Chamberlin was elected prime minister and gave Hitler Chekoslovakia and signed a treaty and thought everything would be fine. It was quickly realized that Hitler had no intention of honoring the treaty. When everything hit the fan suddenly everyone realized that just because people wanted to believe what Chamberlin said didnt make it true. And just because nobody wanted to face what Churchill said didnt make it suddenly stop being true. I guess it just seems to me that so often people believe what they want to believe even when it may go contrary to reality. However i also know that God does everything for a reason. I do believe that God is indeed setting the stage for the final countdown. In this same spirit I know one of the major issues in this campaign was Obamas declaration to over tax the wealthy in an attempt to equalize things(i.e Joe the Plumber sitch). While i do not personally condone anything that so resembles socialism, i am reminded of Proverbs 28:8 " he who increases his wealth by exorbitant interest amasses it for another who will be kind to the poor" . I guess i just kind of wonder if those of us blessed by God financially had willingly been generous to the poor, rather than spend Gods blessings on our Idol worship (movies, food, our self, beauty products, new clothes when we have a closet full, video games, etc.) if God would have allowed our economy to continue to flourish. If we had been responsible to God as a nation would he have chosen a candidate that will now be taking a large portion of what the financially stable have stored up? Is God allowing more trouble in this area to remind us that he is the giver of all and that if we do not use it as he would have us do, it can be taken away? I dunno maybe it's kind of a stretch but i do wonder. I do however recognize that a large portion of the poor in our country are there because they have made lifestyle choices. Many squander what little they do have on idols as well, and many are torn down by drugs. But at the same time i know that there are many who are thrown in the same mould that are not irresponsible or on drugs, but really just need some help. Is it our responsibility to know that what we give to the poor for God's glory goes to the right kind of person? Are we to withhold it because we do not know if they are worthy? Or are we to give freely for God's glory knowing that he is sovereign and can direct whatever we give where ever he chooses. In doing so we can recognize that whatever we give in faith God will bless. If God moves us to give a hundred dollars, is he not God? can he not restore it? God doesnt need us to bless the poor. He gives us the opportunity to be responsible to him with what he blesses us with. Are we using those opportunities? Or do we hoard every blessing fearing there will be no more? "Freely you have received, now freely give!"Matt 10:8.

Just Reflecting

I am very Excited right now. I was super panic woman a few weeks ago as i was facing another hearing (custody nonsense). I really was hoping that my Ex husband would sell his rights. He offered to do so when i asked him if we could try to work together. But then when we offered the amount he had said he doubled it. My ex husband is abusive and is using my son to torment me. He is telling him that Jesus isn't real, letting him watch scary stuff and telling him to hit me and that I'm a liar. My son comes home and tells me these kind of things. He is three and i know it is very confusing for him and he often cries when he tells me things daddy has told him. So it is obvious why I cannot understand why God wont just take him out of our lives, or heal his mind. Well anyway. I was waiting and begging God to make him accept our original offer before the hearing. I kept telling God "Oh lord i cannot handle going through the legal process again. Lord I'm so weary I'm so tired. Why won't you set us free?" During this time God gave me 2 revelations. First i just opened my bible intending to continue
my reading in Matthew. I opened it directly to Matthew and immediately my eyes were drawn to a passage i had just read the day before. As i read it this time it took on a whole new meaning. it was Matthew 8:23-27. It is the story of Jesus calming the storm. "Then he (Jesus) got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, "what kind of a man is this that even the wind and the waves obey him?"

First what i noticed was that the disciples physically followed Jesus on the boat. There was absolutely no doubt that it was Jesus who had led them on to that very boat on that very lake at that very time. And yet immediately when the storm arose they panicked. The next thing, that i recognized from my own prayers was that they woke Jesus saying " save us, we are going to drown" God spoke into my heart saying who were they to tell Jesus what was going to happen. Jesus said "You of little faith, why are you afraid?" what i hear in that is.."Really? You really physically followed me on this boat knowing i brought you here. and now that it gets a little precarious, your going to tell your creator who has numbered your hairs and has created you to be exactly who you are knows every boundary every limit every thought every moment of your life.. 'we are going to drown' HELLO I'M RIGHT HERE! NO BODY WILL BE DROWNING TODAY THANK YOU" Jesus wasn't sleeping because he didn't care. He was sleeping because he knew better. Sometimes it feels like Jesus is sleeping. I keep waiting for him to act but he doesn't. Looking back i always see that it was because he knew that i was not really in danger of drowning because hes always in the boat. It is also good to note that in any storm I am certain the disciples were doing everything they could to try to make it through it. but they knew that they could not keep fighting the storm. That's why they woke Jesus. When Jesus decided to act on their behalf, the storm did not just lessen it was calmed completely. This gives me strength in knowing that whatever feels out of control, when Jesus decides to stand up and rebuke the waves it will be COMPLETELY calm. and last it struck me when the disciples said 'even the winds and waves obey him' that if they are submitted and obedient to Christ, it is Christ that allows the storm in the first place. and it will go for exactly how long he decides and the damage it does will be what he allows. and when it has accomplished what it was to accomplish it will stop on his command. So it does no good to rage against or or cry about the storm. It is better to seek the master in the storm and allow him to accomplish what he is doing in our lives so that he will be able to calm the waters.

The second revelation is one i received through one of the messages in Beth Moores "a Woman's Heart Gods Dwelling Place" bible study. She was saying that just as God's word never returns void, meaning that The living word of God will never return to the father without changing hearts, saving souls, or comforting his children, so our prayers never return void. When we pray earnestly seeking Gods hand in a situation we ALWAYS receive Gods power. He will either pour his power on the circumstance and change it to what we ask. or he will pour out his power on us so that we can endure and thrive until it is his will and time. This is why I am excited. as God continued to to open my heart to these things. I prayed that he would either change my circumstance or that he would give me strength and joy during the wait. God is so faithful. He has filled me with Joy and patience and new strength. He has allowed me to reach out to someone at my work and help them learn who God is through studying his word. I am so not even worried about the situation. God has given me the reassurance that he is still in control but that he has a reason for doing whatever he's doing. And it is so funny i actually feel kind of excited about this trial. I feel so empowered that God is in charge My ex's tactics of tormenting me are rendered powerless. Because i know that God goes with my son and is powerful to protect and heal any harm to him, just as he does to me. What an awesome God! when he knows we are desperate and hurting, even if wont change our circumstance he is so willing to change us so that we can rejoice in the circumstance if only because we know it is his will. Oh i just love my Jesus so much. every day he blesses me in new ways. I will never understand how people can turn away from such pure, true, engulfing, transforming consuming Love. Oh lord i thank you for the emptiness you allowed in my life. I thank you for the struggles, the falls, the catastrophes that allowed enough of me to die that i truly can understand as the old hymn says "What a friend we have in Jesus". I know lord as you call me to face new struggles that you will decrease me more lord, that it will not be me facing them at all lord. You will simply hide me in the cleft of the rock as you walk through the fire through me, for me. How merciful a God who knows i am unable to stand in the face of the storm and so you hold me in your loving arms and stand for me. Thank you Jesus for just being who you are and removing who i am when i am not in you from the record. As far as the east is from the west. So far you have delivered me from my past. Remind me daily lord to find myself in you. Remind me lord that if i am not becoming closer to you lord than i am drifting away. For I know it is your will for me to be conformed to your likeness. Though it be unreachable in this life let me never stop reaching. Every piece of my self i let go of gives me new joy and freedom. Every piece of who i was that i thought i loved. oh lord though you pry it from my stubborn fingers, as it falls to the ground i feel a joy and a freedom that makes each next chain so much easier to let you take. You see the chains for chains.. but i have believed the lies so long that they are parts of me that i love, that is not until you free me from them that i here the clink and see them for what they are broken chains laying at the feet of my merciful saviour who has saved me from my self. Thank You Jesus. Thank You Father.

Born Again in Truth

I was raised in the average Christian home. Better that average perhaps. The youngest of three girls. Parents united and successful, still married to this day. From Rainbows, Daisy's, and Prims (christian girl scouts) to christian values at home, I knew who Jesus was. My Grandfather was a minister and had spent years as a missionary. But something was wrong. From as early as I can remember I suffered terrible irrational fear. I was a compulsive liar and was prone to stealing change and sneaking food and lying about it. As I grew up I became a rebellious Tomboy. I hated girly things and especially girls who were trying to be pretty for boys. I eventually started smoking and taking pain pills in Jr. High. By high school I was a hopeless pothead/ alcoholic and often took acid did speed and the like. I always respected God. But I understood grace as a license to do whatever I wanted. I felt guilty 100% of the time. I many times tried to quit everything. But whenever i quit one thing I would start something else. I would stop Frying(doing acid) only to go on a drinking binge, I would quit drinking only to smoke more weed. I would quit smoking weed only to pop pain pills. I would have a few months free of all of that but be taking caffeine pills and addicted to stupid things like star trek or anime or comics and even sleep deprivation. At one point I finally started dating this guy I met and he turned out to be a hardcore tweeker. at the end of our 4 month dating I was on the street strung out on speed and hallucinating. I then jumped back in trying to get everything back in line. I was obsessed with Tai Chi and the i'ching and taoist wisdom. I met a guy in my Tai Chi class and we began dating. 2 months later Gods blessing began (see James 1:2-4) I was pregnant. we got married (against my better judgement)and I had to stop smoking weed. Instead I started taking small doses of pain pills. Like one 7.5 mg lortab a day. When my son was born I immediately upped my dose to two then three then four five six seven. I had a long standing back problem and it was easy to get pain meds. I loved my son with all my heart. My husband had emotional problems. He was addicted to gambling and video games and was unable to love. Problems kept increasing. he constantly tore me down and made me feel horrible about my self. nothing i could ever do was good enough. I was stupid, I was fat, I was ugly, I was weak, I didn't try hard enough, and I believed him. His resentment for me carried over on to my son as he admitted he resented our son for making me useless. I continued to take more pills and tried to escape the pain of what id become. Eventually both of our addictions led us to financial devastation. Long story short we ended up separated. My son and I were living with my parents. My addiction only worsened and i went to horrible lengths to get my highs. In the midst of a surprise divorce and custody battle i hit my worst state ever. I required at the very least 300 mg of oxycontin or oxycodone in order to get a high. I couldnt handle the withdrawals long enough to quit. I had no way out. I was going to loose my son, loose myself, and had no way out. I was desperate trying to go to meetings that always just made me fiend. It was then my mom found Walter Hoving home. It is a Christ based recovery HOME. not recovery center. It was an actual house with actual people (all in recovery). When I made the step of faith and decided to surrender and go, God blessed me unimaginably. First I went in expecting withdrawals. For the first time in 2 years I had no withdrawals when I stopped taking the pills. It was hard at first. Time went so slow. days felt like weeks. Then it happened. As I began to learn who Jesus was and learn to have a routine and how to make my self get up and be obedient... I started to laugh. A real genuine heart laugh. not the pothead stupid perspective laugh or the drunken everything is funny laugh. But a real laugh out of joy and friendship. Then i realized I loved to talk to the other girls (my sisters in the program) about the bible. We would laugh and cry and make light of our situation. The guilt left me. The lies were gone. I could be totally honest. I had nothing to hide. after every attempt I made after all the times I had been clean only to know in my heart i would fall again I was finally free. I knew as one evening I was sitting out as a little rain storm was ending. A rainbow appeared in the sky and I heard a still voice from in side say to me this is my promise to you just as it was so long ago I will never destroy your life in this way again. I knew it was over. I knew drugs no longer had any hold on me. it is almost 2 years later now. Every day God changes me. Every moment I know he is with me. This is to begin to keep track of the miracles and the blessings and the answered prayers. I hope that this will also be a chance to bring hope to others through the miracle of my life. see Luke 15:11-31 and Romans 7:14-25