Another Day Away From Zeh

Well its been now almost 3 weeks that i have been apart from my son. Im really starting to feel it. I finally have more of a social life.. but i really miss Zeh'en. Its funny but part of it is also i'm having some kinda identity crisis. It feels really weird to just be me. I am so used to being Mom. When im not being mom its hard to remember how to be just me. I dont know how to explain it. part of it is that for most of my born again life i have been mom. I am so focused on being a Godly mom. Now i have to be just me and well, theres a lot of bad programming to bypass. Most of my time as a mom I have been walking the higher road... being a Godly woman. Most of the time i have been me... i was a pleasure seeking drug addict hooked on various creative outlets or obsessed with comics/martial arts/star trek/what have you. So its like the programming is different and it seems harder to walk the higher road in this role. Part of it is now that im actually going out with people i guess i have a harder time being "in the world, not of the world". its funny because ive never had a problem doing that at my work or anything before. I suppose this is an important part of the growing process for me. Because there will be a day when it is just me again and i need to know how to be the Godly woman i am called to be. This guy i was kinda seeing may have played a part in it too. i think i allowed some distance between God and I that hasnt been there in a long time. I was trying to kind of enjoy feeling young and single and attractive... and leaving God out of it a little more than before. Which really is extremely ungrateful seeing as how he is the one who gave me the weight loss and self confidence. I also kind of halted in my weight loss too. I feel that if i am not trust worthy with what God blesses me with... why should he continue to bless me with it? In this since i think it means that i need to be thankful, and while i enjoy feeling confident, to not slip into a kind of worldly confidence or vanity. While i enjoy going out and having friends... It is Christ in me that makes me beautiful and gives me Joy. I can enjoy everything just as much as everyone else... but if Christ is absent from my mind... then my mind isnt where it ought to be. I must also remember that while I know God wants me to have some time to enjoy being who he has made me... I cant take my spirituality lightly. Because this time of peace is not to last. If i cease my growth in times of Joy then times of toil must follow. For God will not allow me to stop growing. I also know that i need times of trial. I don't want to stand before my God at the end and give an account of a Good and easy life... especially if i happen to be standing next to a missionary who was tortured and killed for his faith. Though i am of course afraid of the type of torture that so many in other places endure.. I don't want my walk with Jesus to be easy. While a time of peace is welcome after the struggles i have been dealing with, part of me misses the trials i was enduring. Its so much easier to hold on to Jesus when those kinds of things are going on. Now he is calling me to hold to him not against attack... but against the temptation to be luke warm and more focused on my selfish desires. I am more confused by this. But I thank God that he has called me to learn this as well. I thank God for his willingness to keep on teaching me, even though sometimes i think im done learning, he is always willing to open my eyes and show me more.