Another Day Away From Zeh

Well its been now almost 3 weeks that i have been apart from my son. Im really starting to feel it. I finally have more of a social life.. but i really miss Zeh'en. Its funny but part of it is also i'm having some kinda identity crisis. It feels really weird to just be me. I am so used to being Mom. When im not being mom its hard to remember how to be just me. I dont know how to explain it. part of it is that for most of my born again life i have been mom. I am so focused on being a Godly mom. Now i have to be just me and well, theres a lot of bad programming to bypass. Most of my time as a mom I have been walking the higher road... being a Godly woman. Most of the time i have been me... i was a pleasure seeking drug addict hooked on various creative outlets or obsessed with comics/martial arts/star trek/what have you. So its like the programming is different and it seems harder to walk the higher road in this role. Part of it is now that im actually going out with people i guess i have a harder time being "in the world, not of the world". its funny because ive never had a problem doing that at my work or anything before. I suppose this is an important part of the growing process for me. Because there will be a day when it is just me again and i need to know how to be the Godly woman i am called to be. This guy i was kinda seeing may have played a part in it too. i think i allowed some distance between God and I that hasnt been there in a long time. I was trying to kind of enjoy feeling young and single and attractive... and leaving God out of it a little more than before. Which really is extremely ungrateful seeing as how he is the one who gave me the weight loss and self confidence. I also kind of halted in my weight loss too. I feel that if i am not trust worthy with what God blesses me with... why should he continue to bless me with it? In this since i think it means that i need to be thankful, and while i enjoy feeling confident, to not slip into a kind of worldly confidence or vanity. While i enjoy going out and having friends... It is Christ in me that makes me beautiful and gives me Joy. I can enjoy everything just as much as everyone else... but if Christ is absent from my mind... then my mind isnt where it ought to be. I must also remember that while I know God wants me to have some time to enjoy being who he has made me... I cant take my spirituality lightly. Because this time of peace is not to last. If i cease my growth in times of Joy then times of toil must follow. For God will not allow me to stop growing. I also know that i need times of trial. I don't want to stand before my God at the end and give an account of a Good and easy life... especially if i happen to be standing next to a missionary who was tortured and killed for his faith. Though i am of course afraid of the type of torture that so many in other places endure.. I don't want my walk with Jesus to be easy. While a time of peace is welcome after the struggles i have been dealing with, part of me misses the trials i was enduring. Its so much easier to hold on to Jesus when those kinds of things are going on. Now he is calling me to hold to him not against attack... but against the temptation to be luke warm and more focused on my selfish desires. I am more confused by this. But I thank God that he has called me to learn this as well. I thank God for his willingness to keep on teaching me, even though sometimes i think im done learning, he is always willing to open my eyes and show me more.

Here I go again not on my own

Har Har Har. Did ya catch that clever twist on the title of that forever old was it whitesnake song? well it has been a few weeks... man time flies by. Well i guess the update would be that the day i was supposed to go to the hearing and start the whole messy custody madness over again my attorney called and said my ex was willing to terminate his parental rights for X amount of dollars. well the deal is underway and Zeh'en is in Sacramento with my parents right now so that i am able to work now that his dad will no longer be watching him. I cant even begin to articulate the amount of spiritual battles that have been going on since. But i do claim that this was Gods victory. I am free from the constant harassment of dealing with my ex. I am able to move to Sacramento... or where ever i choose. Right now my predicament is trying to figure out what to do. I have been trapped in this ugly custody thing for so long, i don't know what to do now that im free of it. I find that i really would like to stay in Vegas. I love my church, im finally getting more plugged in. I like to be close to Walter Hoving home, and i feel like there are a lot of people in my life that God has brought into my life for a purpose that is not yet accomplished. I guess right now my spiritual focus has been on love. With Zeh'en not here i have been feeling kinda lonely and spent some time with this guy from my church. I feel extremely attracted to him and especially feel the need to touch... like hugging and stuff. I think part of this might be the absence of all the snuggling with my son i am used to. I am missing that physical love and trying to fill it with this guy i kinda like. While it's nice and all i kinda was losing sight of my first love. God was dealing with me last night. I was starting to feel all kinds of rejection and things from this guy that i dont think were really going on. I just have lingering issues from my ex husband. but God was letting me feel that to remind me no matter what no man can ever accept me the way i want to be accepted. only God can. I renounced Satans part in my feelings last night and prayed that God would take hold of all of these things. Today i feel much better. This guy is someone i would like to just kinda be friends with and see what happens. I also recognize that i really miss my son. But most of all what i realize is that while i had a close encounter of the romantic kind i stopped focusing on my divine romance. It is a romance. I love Jesus with every fiber of my being. He is the one i want to hold me. When i lay my head on this guys chest, its just a poor substitute. I close my eyes and imagine what it would be to lay my head on Jesus chest. That he would stroke my hair (each on of which he would know the number). Let me talk or cry or laugh about whatever i was thinking.Tell me he understands...and it would be true. I picture talking and laughing with him. I picture him softly touching my face. Every part of me he would smile and say something like "i made your eyes this shape because it brings out the shape i crafted your face to be." or "you remember when you were very small and your favorite color was green? that is why when you were a teenager i changed your eyes from Hazel to green. Because i remember how excited you were when you found out eyes could be green!" he would kiss my forehead and tell me I'm beautiful BECAUSE he loves me. I imagine as i am being attacked by all kinds of horrible feelings and memories and regrets... each of which i picture as a demon trying to torment me... then as fall to the ground in tears.. my Jesus speaks just one word and they all scatter. He helps me up and embraces me. Whenever they try to come at me again i have but to call upon the name of my love and they flee in fear. I hear the words of that mercy me song and imagine him saying to satan as he accuses me and asks to destroy me... "This one's mine!" whenever i am in a place i feel lost or scared or defeated i close my eyes and picture Jesus right next to me.. or leading me where i am afraid to go. like when i was going into the court room i pictured him walking in first. I know he is always with me.. but sometimes when i visualize it it helps me remember its true and even though i cant hold him now i am strengthend by his love for me.

Feeling Thankful

The past few days my schedule has been thrown off. My mom has been in town and so the schedule has been different. because of that my prayer time and workout schedule (during which i read a spiritual growth type of book, Lots of Neil Anderson) has been thrown off and so i was starting to get on edge. But when i hit my max point (it is funny to note that the point i feel maxed out now is not very extreme at all. but its not the same kind of maxed out i used to feel either. it is mostly a point where i start to feel like I'm drifting just a few inches from closeness with god.. The more he gives us the more we need. He will not give us a hunger and thirst for righteousness unless he intends to fill it. if I start to drift man do i get hungry and thirsty very very quick. It doesn't take but a few minutes to remind me that with out the holy spirit abounding in me i cant function, all i do is panic, and usually create more problems).I grabbed just a moment and said a quick heartfelt prayer.." Lord i need some time with you." This was quickly accommodated. I got to go work out and then My son went to sleep easy and i had some time to pray and just talk to God about how i was feeling. I prayed my armour on.. Left some things at Jesus feet (that he almost immediately assured me he was already dealing with.) and then had a great night at work. My tables were all nice and easy going. Then when i came home my mom was watching some of the Movies i have been wanting people to see forever but no one ever watches them. Joyce Meyer Dealing with the devil and the like. We got to have a nice calm conversation entirely about God and how we know we can trust him in the midst of the storms we face. I am so encouraged and am so ready to trust God tomorrow as we go to yet another custody related hearing. Its funny how things change. I am finally at a point where something Beth Moore was quoting over and over is making since. Genesis 15:1b "Do not be afraid Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward." I have seen clearly that God has been my shield over and over. but it is more recently that i have begun to realize that he is my very great reward. it is so hard to see from the outside of a close christian walk how rewarding it is. We see all the sacrifice we see all the things we think we love being taken away.. but the reward of being close to God is something that is inconceivable until God reveals it. But he truly is my very great reward!

Welcome Obama

Well i guess the choice has been made. i admit i feel a little disheartened. I simply cannot believe that the situation in the middle east will suddenly go away. And i REALLY cannot believe that Obama will ever be able to handle it in a way that will be effective. I am reminded of the story of Winston Churchill. He knew that the situation with Germany was more serious than people were thinking. But he was not elected. Then Neville Chamberlin was elected prime minister and gave Hitler Chekoslovakia and signed a treaty and thought everything would be fine. It was quickly realized that Hitler had no intention of honoring the treaty. When everything hit the fan suddenly everyone realized that just because people wanted to believe what Chamberlin said didnt make it true. And just because nobody wanted to face what Churchill said didnt make it suddenly stop being true. I guess it just seems to me that so often people believe what they want to believe even when it may go contrary to reality. However i also know that God does everything for a reason. I do believe that God is indeed setting the stage for the final countdown. In this same spirit I know one of the major issues in this campaign was Obamas declaration to over tax the wealthy in an attempt to equalize things(i.e Joe the Plumber sitch). While i do not personally condone anything that so resembles socialism, i am reminded of Proverbs 28:8 " he who increases his wealth by exorbitant interest amasses it for another who will be kind to the poor" . I guess i just kind of wonder if those of us blessed by God financially had willingly been generous to the poor, rather than spend Gods blessings on our Idol worship (movies, food, our self, beauty products, new clothes when we have a closet full, video games, etc.) if God would have allowed our economy to continue to flourish. If we had been responsible to God as a nation would he have chosen a candidate that will now be taking a large portion of what the financially stable have stored up? Is God allowing more trouble in this area to remind us that he is the giver of all and that if we do not use it as he would have us do, it can be taken away? I dunno maybe it's kind of a stretch but i do wonder. I do however recognize that a large portion of the poor in our country are there because they have made lifestyle choices. Many squander what little they do have on idols as well, and many are torn down by drugs. But at the same time i know that there are many who are thrown in the same mould that are not irresponsible or on drugs, but really just need some help. Is it our responsibility to know that what we give to the poor for God's glory goes to the right kind of person? Are we to withhold it because we do not know if they are worthy? Or are we to give freely for God's glory knowing that he is sovereign and can direct whatever we give where ever he chooses. In doing so we can recognize that whatever we give in faith God will bless. If God moves us to give a hundred dollars, is he not God? can he not restore it? God doesnt need us to bless the poor. He gives us the opportunity to be responsible to him with what he blesses us with. Are we using those opportunities? Or do we hoard every blessing fearing there will be no more? "Freely you have received, now freely give!"Matt 10:8.

Just Reflecting

I am very Excited right now. I was super panic woman a few weeks ago as i was facing another hearing (custody nonsense). I really was hoping that my Ex husband would sell his rights. He offered to do so when i asked him if we could try to work together. But then when we offered the amount he had said he doubled it. My ex husband is abusive and is using my son to torment me. He is telling him that Jesus isn't real, letting him watch scary stuff and telling him to hit me and that I'm a liar. My son comes home and tells me these kind of things. He is three and i know it is very confusing for him and he often cries when he tells me things daddy has told him. So it is obvious why I cannot understand why God wont just take him out of our lives, or heal his mind. Well anyway. I was waiting and begging God to make him accept our original offer before the hearing. I kept telling God "Oh lord i cannot handle going through the legal process again. Lord I'm so weary I'm so tired. Why won't you set us free?" During this time God gave me 2 revelations. First i just opened my bible intending to continue
my reading in Matthew. I opened it directly to Matthew and immediately my eyes were drawn to a passage i had just read the day before. As i read it this time it took on a whole new meaning. it was Matthew 8:23-27. It is the story of Jesus calming the storm. "Then he (Jesus) got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, "what kind of a man is this that even the wind and the waves obey him?"

First what i noticed was that the disciples physically followed Jesus on the boat. There was absolutely no doubt that it was Jesus who had led them on to that very boat on that very lake at that very time. And yet immediately when the storm arose they panicked. The next thing, that i recognized from my own prayers was that they woke Jesus saying " save us, we are going to drown" God spoke into my heart saying who were they to tell Jesus what was going to happen. Jesus said "You of little faith, why are you afraid?" what i hear in that is.."Really? You really physically followed me on this boat knowing i brought you here. and now that it gets a little precarious, your going to tell your creator who has numbered your hairs and has created you to be exactly who you are knows every boundary every limit every thought every moment of your life.. 'we are going to drown' HELLO I'M RIGHT HERE! NO BODY WILL BE DROWNING TODAY THANK YOU" Jesus wasn't sleeping because he didn't care. He was sleeping because he knew better. Sometimes it feels like Jesus is sleeping. I keep waiting for him to act but he doesn't. Looking back i always see that it was because he knew that i was not really in danger of drowning because hes always in the boat. It is also good to note that in any storm I am certain the disciples were doing everything they could to try to make it through it. but they knew that they could not keep fighting the storm. That's why they woke Jesus. When Jesus decided to act on their behalf, the storm did not just lessen it was calmed completely. This gives me strength in knowing that whatever feels out of control, when Jesus decides to stand up and rebuke the waves it will be COMPLETELY calm. and last it struck me when the disciples said 'even the winds and waves obey him' that if they are submitted and obedient to Christ, it is Christ that allows the storm in the first place. and it will go for exactly how long he decides and the damage it does will be what he allows. and when it has accomplished what it was to accomplish it will stop on his command. So it does no good to rage against or or cry about the storm. It is better to seek the master in the storm and allow him to accomplish what he is doing in our lives so that he will be able to calm the waters.

The second revelation is one i received through one of the messages in Beth Moores "a Woman's Heart Gods Dwelling Place" bible study. She was saying that just as God's word never returns void, meaning that The living word of God will never return to the father without changing hearts, saving souls, or comforting his children, so our prayers never return void. When we pray earnestly seeking Gods hand in a situation we ALWAYS receive Gods power. He will either pour his power on the circumstance and change it to what we ask. or he will pour out his power on us so that we can endure and thrive until it is his will and time. This is why I am excited. as God continued to to open my heart to these things. I prayed that he would either change my circumstance or that he would give me strength and joy during the wait. God is so faithful. He has filled me with Joy and patience and new strength. He has allowed me to reach out to someone at my work and help them learn who God is through studying his word. I am so not even worried about the situation. God has given me the reassurance that he is still in control but that he has a reason for doing whatever he's doing. And it is so funny i actually feel kind of excited about this trial. I feel so empowered that God is in charge My ex's tactics of tormenting me are rendered powerless. Because i know that God goes with my son and is powerful to protect and heal any harm to him, just as he does to me. What an awesome God! when he knows we are desperate and hurting, even if wont change our circumstance he is so willing to change us so that we can rejoice in the circumstance if only because we know it is his will. Oh i just love my Jesus so much. every day he blesses me in new ways. I will never understand how people can turn away from such pure, true, engulfing, transforming consuming Love. Oh lord i thank you for the emptiness you allowed in my life. I thank you for the struggles, the falls, the catastrophes that allowed enough of me to die that i truly can understand as the old hymn says "What a friend we have in Jesus". I know lord as you call me to face new struggles that you will decrease me more lord, that it will not be me facing them at all lord. You will simply hide me in the cleft of the rock as you walk through the fire through me, for me. How merciful a God who knows i am unable to stand in the face of the storm and so you hold me in your loving arms and stand for me. Thank you Jesus for just being who you are and removing who i am when i am not in you from the record. As far as the east is from the west. So far you have delivered me from my past. Remind me daily lord to find myself in you. Remind me lord that if i am not becoming closer to you lord than i am drifting away. For I know it is your will for me to be conformed to your likeness. Though it be unreachable in this life let me never stop reaching. Every piece of my self i let go of gives me new joy and freedom. Every piece of who i was that i thought i loved. oh lord though you pry it from my stubborn fingers, as it falls to the ground i feel a joy and a freedom that makes each next chain so much easier to let you take. You see the chains for chains.. but i have believed the lies so long that they are parts of me that i love, that is not until you free me from them that i here the clink and see them for what they are broken chains laying at the feet of my merciful saviour who has saved me from my self. Thank You Jesus. Thank You Father.

Born Again in Truth

I was raised in the average Christian home. Better that average perhaps. The youngest of three girls. Parents united and successful, still married to this day. From Rainbows, Daisy's, and Prims (christian girl scouts) to christian values at home, I knew who Jesus was. My Grandfather was a minister and had spent years as a missionary. But something was wrong. From as early as I can remember I suffered terrible irrational fear. I was a compulsive liar and was prone to stealing change and sneaking food and lying about it. As I grew up I became a rebellious Tomboy. I hated girly things and especially girls who were trying to be pretty for boys. I eventually started smoking and taking pain pills in Jr. High. By high school I was a hopeless pothead/ alcoholic and often took acid did speed and the like. I always respected God. But I understood grace as a license to do whatever I wanted. I felt guilty 100% of the time. I many times tried to quit everything. But whenever i quit one thing I would start something else. I would stop Frying(doing acid) only to go on a drinking binge, I would quit drinking only to smoke more weed. I would quit smoking weed only to pop pain pills. I would have a few months free of all of that but be taking caffeine pills and addicted to stupid things like star trek or anime or comics and even sleep deprivation. At one point I finally started dating this guy I met and he turned out to be a hardcore tweeker. at the end of our 4 month dating I was on the street strung out on speed and hallucinating. I then jumped back in trying to get everything back in line. I was obsessed with Tai Chi and the i'ching and taoist wisdom. I met a guy in my Tai Chi class and we began dating. 2 months later Gods blessing began (see James 1:2-4) I was pregnant. we got married (against my better judgement)and I had to stop smoking weed. Instead I started taking small doses of pain pills. Like one 7.5 mg lortab a day. When my son was born I immediately upped my dose to two then three then four five six seven. I had a long standing back problem and it was easy to get pain meds. I loved my son with all my heart. My husband had emotional problems. He was addicted to gambling and video games and was unable to love. Problems kept increasing. he constantly tore me down and made me feel horrible about my self. nothing i could ever do was good enough. I was stupid, I was fat, I was ugly, I was weak, I didn't try hard enough, and I believed him. His resentment for me carried over on to my son as he admitted he resented our son for making me useless. I continued to take more pills and tried to escape the pain of what id become. Eventually both of our addictions led us to financial devastation. Long story short we ended up separated. My son and I were living with my parents. My addiction only worsened and i went to horrible lengths to get my highs. In the midst of a surprise divorce and custody battle i hit my worst state ever. I required at the very least 300 mg of oxycontin or oxycodone in order to get a high. I couldnt handle the withdrawals long enough to quit. I had no way out. I was going to loose my son, loose myself, and had no way out. I was desperate trying to go to meetings that always just made me fiend. It was then my mom found Walter Hoving home. It is a Christ based recovery HOME. not recovery center. It was an actual house with actual people (all in recovery). When I made the step of faith and decided to surrender and go, God blessed me unimaginably. First I went in expecting withdrawals. For the first time in 2 years I had no withdrawals when I stopped taking the pills. It was hard at first. Time went so slow. days felt like weeks. Then it happened. As I began to learn who Jesus was and learn to have a routine and how to make my self get up and be obedient... I started to laugh. A real genuine heart laugh. not the pothead stupid perspective laugh or the drunken everything is funny laugh. But a real laugh out of joy and friendship. Then i realized I loved to talk to the other girls (my sisters in the program) about the bible. We would laugh and cry and make light of our situation. The guilt left me. The lies were gone. I could be totally honest. I had nothing to hide. after every attempt I made after all the times I had been clean only to know in my heart i would fall again I was finally free. I knew as one evening I was sitting out as a little rain storm was ending. A rainbow appeared in the sky and I heard a still voice from in side say to me this is my promise to you just as it was so long ago I will never destroy your life in this way again. I knew it was over. I knew drugs no longer had any hold on me. it is almost 2 years later now. Every day God changes me. Every moment I know he is with me. This is to begin to keep track of the miracles and the blessings and the answered prayers. I hope that this will also be a chance to bring hope to others through the miracle of my life. see Luke 15:11-31 and Romans 7:14-25