Here I go again not on my own

Har Har Har. Did ya catch that clever twist on the title of that forever old was it whitesnake song? well it has been a few weeks... man time flies by. Well i guess the update would be that the day i was supposed to go to the hearing and start the whole messy custody madness over again my attorney called and said my ex was willing to terminate his parental rights for X amount of dollars. well the deal is underway and Zeh'en is in Sacramento with my parents right now so that i am able to work now that his dad will no longer be watching him. I cant even begin to articulate the amount of spiritual battles that have been going on since. But i do claim that this was Gods victory. I am free from the constant harassment of dealing with my ex. I am able to move to Sacramento... or where ever i choose. Right now my predicament is trying to figure out what to do. I have been trapped in this ugly custody thing for so long, i don't know what to do now that im free of it. I find that i really would like to stay in Vegas. I love my church, im finally getting more plugged in. I like to be close to Walter Hoving home, and i feel like there are a lot of people in my life that God has brought into my life for a purpose that is not yet accomplished. I guess right now my spiritual focus has been on love. With Zeh'en not here i have been feeling kinda lonely and spent some time with this guy from my church. I feel extremely attracted to him and especially feel the need to touch... like hugging and stuff. I think part of this might be the absence of all the snuggling with my son i am used to. I am missing that physical love and trying to fill it with this guy i kinda like. While it's nice and all i kinda was losing sight of my first love. God was dealing with me last night. I was starting to feel all kinds of rejection and things from this guy that i dont think were really going on. I just have lingering issues from my ex husband. but God was letting me feel that to remind me no matter what no man can ever accept me the way i want to be accepted. only God can. I renounced Satans part in my feelings last night and prayed that God would take hold of all of these things. Today i feel much better. This guy is someone i would like to just kinda be friends with and see what happens. I also recognize that i really miss my son. But most of all what i realize is that while i had a close encounter of the romantic kind i stopped focusing on my divine romance. It is a romance. I love Jesus with every fiber of my being. He is the one i want to hold me. When i lay my head on this guys chest, its just a poor substitute. I close my eyes and imagine what it would be to lay my head on Jesus chest. That he would stroke my hair (each on of which he would know the number). Let me talk or cry or laugh about whatever i was thinking.Tell me he understands...and it would be true. I picture talking and laughing with him. I picture him softly touching my face. Every part of me he would smile and say something like "i made your eyes this shape because it brings out the shape i crafted your face to be." or "you remember when you were very small and your favorite color was green? that is why when you were a teenager i changed your eyes from Hazel to green. Because i remember how excited you were when you found out eyes could be green!" he would kiss my forehead and tell me I'm beautiful BECAUSE he loves me. I imagine as i am being attacked by all kinds of horrible feelings and memories and regrets... each of which i picture as a demon trying to torment me... then as fall to the ground in tears.. my Jesus speaks just one word and they all scatter. He helps me up and embraces me. Whenever they try to come at me again i have but to call upon the name of my love and they flee in fear. I hear the words of that mercy me song and imagine him saying to satan as he accuses me and asks to destroy me... "This one's mine!" whenever i am in a place i feel lost or scared or defeated i close my eyes and picture Jesus right next to me.. or leading me where i am afraid to go. like when i was going into the court room i pictured him walking in first. I know he is always with me.. but sometimes when i visualize it it helps me remember its true and even though i cant hold him now i am strengthend by his love for me.