Born Again in Truth

I was raised in the average Christian home. Better that average perhaps. The youngest of three girls. Parents united and successful, still married to this day. From Rainbows, Daisy's, and Prims (christian girl scouts) to christian values at home, I knew who Jesus was. My Grandfather was a minister and had spent years as a missionary. But something was wrong. From as early as I can remember I suffered terrible irrational fear. I was a compulsive liar and was prone to stealing change and sneaking food and lying about it. As I grew up I became a rebellious Tomboy. I hated girly things and especially girls who were trying to be pretty for boys. I eventually started smoking and taking pain pills in Jr. High. By high school I was a hopeless pothead/ alcoholic and often took acid did speed and the like. I always respected God. But I understood grace as a license to do whatever I wanted. I felt guilty 100% of the time. I many times tried to quit everything. But whenever i quit one thing I would start something else. I would stop Frying(doing acid) only to go on a drinking binge, I would quit drinking only to smoke more weed. I would quit smoking weed only to pop pain pills. I would have a few months free of all of that but be taking caffeine pills and addicted to stupid things like star trek or anime or comics and even sleep deprivation. At one point I finally started dating this guy I met and he turned out to be a hardcore tweeker. at the end of our 4 month dating I was on the street strung out on speed and hallucinating. I then jumped back in trying to get everything back in line. I was obsessed with Tai Chi and the i'ching and taoist wisdom. I met a guy in my Tai Chi class and we began dating. 2 months later Gods blessing began (see James 1:2-4) I was pregnant. we got married (against my better judgement)and I had to stop smoking weed. Instead I started taking small doses of pain pills. Like one 7.5 mg lortab a day. When my son was born I immediately upped my dose to two then three then four five six seven. I had a long standing back problem and it was easy to get pain meds. I loved my son with all my heart. My husband had emotional problems. He was addicted to gambling and video games and was unable to love. Problems kept increasing. he constantly tore me down and made me feel horrible about my self. nothing i could ever do was good enough. I was stupid, I was fat, I was ugly, I was weak, I didn't try hard enough, and I believed him. His resentment for me carried over on to my son as he admitted he resented our son for making me useless. I continued to take more pills and tried to escape the pain of what id become. Eventually both of our addictions led us to financial devastation. Long story short we ended up separated. My son and I were living with my parents. My addiction only worsened and i went to horrible lengths to get my highs. In the midst of a surprise divorce and custody battle i hit my worst state ever. I required at the very least 300 mg of oxycontin or oxycodone in order to get a high. I couldnt handle the withdrawals long enough to quit. I had no way out. I was going to loose my son, loose myself, and had no way out. I was desperate trying to go to meetings that always just made me fiend. It was then my mom found Walter Hoving home. It is a Christ based recovery HOME. not recovery center. It was an actual house with actual people (all in recovery). When I made the step of faith and decided to surrender and go, God blessed me unimaginably. First I went in expecting withdrawals. For the first time in 2 years I had no withdrawals when I stopped taking the pills. It was hard at first. Time went so slow. days felt like weeks. Then it happened. As I began to learn who Jesus was and learn to have a routine and how to make my self get up and be obedient... I started to laugh. A real genuine heart laugh. not the pothead stupid perspective laugh or the drunken everything is funny laugh. But a real laugh out of joy and friendship. Then i realized I loved to talk to the other girls (my sisters in the program) about the bible. We would laugh and cry and make light of our situation. The guilt left me. The lies were gone. I could be totally honest. I had nothing to hide. after every attempt I made after all the times I had been clean only to know in my heart i would fall again I was finally free. I knew as one evening I was sitting out as a little rain storm was ending. A rainbow appeared in the sky and I heard a still voice from in side say to me this is my promise to you just as it was so long ago I will never destroy your life in this way again. I knew it was over. I knew drugs no longer had any hold on me. it is almost 2 years later now. Every day God changes me. Every moment I know he is with me. This is to begin to keep track of the miracles and the blessings and the answered prayers. I hope that this will also be a chance to bring hope to others through the miracle of my life. see Luke 15:11-31 and Romans 7:14-25